A Question of Love
by marashapeshifter
Summary: Natsuki, do you really love me? Sequel to Heart's Desire.
1. Chapter 1

This is the sequel to Heart's Desire. The chapters will be shorter this time around, too much angst gets me depressed. The remaining chapters should be up within a couple of days.

This was really difficult to write and I'm a bit nervous about how it turned out, so... (crosses fingers)

**A Question of Love - Chapter 1**

_"Yes it's only love, and it's only love_

_That can break a human being _

_And tear him inside out._

_That can break a human being _

_And tear him inside out."  
_

It took me years to learn to trust Shizuru. To believe, heart and soul, that she would never leave me, would never hurt me. It took me years to let Shizuru in. To allow her within my boundaries, inch by inch, touch by touch. It took me years to learn to love her in the way she wanted me to.

But it only took a few minutes to destroy everything we'd worked for all those years. It took only a few minutes for me to relive the memories of what happened on _that _night.

"Natsuki! Please let me in!"

"No! No! No!" I yelled, firmly clamping my hands over my ears.

"Natsuki!"

"No..." I moaned, burying my face in my hands, in a futile attempt to ward off the memories. The memories that were burning, pounding, forcing their way through my brain. _Those _memories.

The knocking grew more frantic. "Natsuki, please!"

"No! Go away..." I was huddled on the bathroom floor. My knees drawn up to my chest, and tears streaming down my face. I remembered. I remembered. I remembered. And damn it, I wish I didn't.

"Natsuki!"

Yes... She'd been calling out my name too that night. Except it wasn't in desperation, it was in pleasure. And I... I had been calling out her name as well. Outwardly from ecstasy, but inside... Inside I was screaming in terror.

"Go away!" I screamed back. I got up and grabbed a bar of soap that was beside the sink. I threw it against the door. "How could you?"

Yes. How could she indeed? I remembered screaming. I remembered fear, pain, disgust, pain, pain, and more pain. Pain, from my helplessness. Pain, from pleasure. Pain, from her betrayal.

I felt around for something else to throw. "I hate you." A toothbrush followed. "I hate you." Shampoo next, then everything else I could get my hands on. "I hate you..." I sobbed.

But not only did I remember, I relived it. I could feel it. My worst nightmare, happening all over again. Shizuru pushing me down onto the bed. Shizuru climbing on top of me. Shizuru touching me, touching me everywhere. And... me touching her.

My chest felt tight and I couldn't seem to stop crying. When I could reach for nothing more to throw, the wall was the next to suffer my wrath.

I could feel her. I could feel her touch on my skin. Phantom fingers stroked my sides. Butterfly kisses were planted onto my neck. Being suckled, being penetrated, being used. I thought I was going insane.

When my fists began to ache, I lowered my arms and noticed that the knocking had stopped.

I stared at the door. I found myself somewhat annoyed that Shizuru had stopped. Never mind that I'd just been yelling at her to go away. Humans are so inconsistent that way.

I wiped my eyes and sank down to the floor. I couldn't believe what was happening.

I closed my eyes.

I remembered everything now. I remembered. I remembered what Shizuru did to me that night.

I remembered her betrayal. I _thought_ I loved her but now I've found out that the feeling wasn't even mine at all. I couldn't trust Shizuru and I couldn't even trust myself.

I don't understand why... I could have understood that the necklace was controlling me, that she'd made love to me without knowing that I didn't desire it as she did. But why the hell did she make me forget? Why...

Shizuru, you traitor.

You swear the necklace is gone? How can I trust you? How?! If someone offered you a chance to make me forget again, would you take it? Shizuru, how can I trust you now? Damn it, Shizuru...

How... How can I stay here with you?


	2. Chapter 2

This will have a (mostly) happy ending but in the meantime, I'll angst away...**  
**

**A Question of Love - Chapter 2**

_"Yes it's only love, and it's only love_

_That can break a human being _

_And tear him inside out._

_That can break a human being _

_And tear him inside out."_

I didn't love her. That fact echoed through my thoughts like a solitary bell in an empty cathedral. It was just the necklace that made me love her. Just the necklace, just the necklace. I didn't love her. I didn't love Shizuru after all.

My life, everything I'd known. Everything was built on and around that love. But I didn't love her. I didn't. I... I didn't. I didn't... right?

And if I didn't... Then I couldn't stay here. I just... couldn't stay.

I turned the door knob, listening carefully. The bedroom was empty. I packed a bag quickly. Not much, just a few essentials. A couple of phone calls to put someone else in charge of my store while I was gone. Then one last thing.

My gun. It wasn't there. I turned the entire room upside down but I couldn't find it. I cursed but I didn't want to waste any more time so I was forced to leave the room without it.

The girls were playing in the living room with Shizuru. I put my bags down and went straight to them, ignoring Shizuru who stood up to meet me.

"Mama?"

"Why are you crying Mama?"

I hugged them close and whispered, a painful ache in my heart. "Mama has to go somewhere for a while, 'kay?"

"But Mama..."

I pressed a kiss to each of their foreheads. "I love you both."

I'm sorry, but I can't... I just can't stay here.

I turned and left them before my heart could break any further. I picked up my bags and headed to the door.

"Natsuki, wait!"

I ignored her and kept walking. She ignored me that night, ignored what I really wanted, projected her own desires onto me. Why should I listen to her now?

"Natsuki, please answer me!"

My grip on my bag tightened. "I trust you will take care of them?" I asked Shizuru coldly, not looking back at her. I didn't want to see her, didn't want to see the person who'd used me that night.

"Natsuki, where are you going?!" I could sense the hysteria in her voice. She sounded scared and desperate. But she deserved it. Damn it, she deserved it for what she did to me. She deserved it.

"I've had the store taken care of, I'll be taking an extended leave." I furiously wiped away my tears. "Don't try to follow me _Shizuru_. I don't want you anywhere near me. Understand?" Don't follow me, go away, go away, go away. Damn you.

"Natsuki, what do you mean? Natsuki..."

A savage glee rose within me at the pain I'd caused her. I wanted her to hurt. I wanted her to know what it was like. I wanted her to hurt though I knew it couldn't compare to the pain she'd caused me. Nothing could ever compare...

" I lo-... I _thought_ I loved you." I continued relentlessly.

Her face was full of anguish. "I'm sorry Natsuki. I'm so sorry..."

"Turns out it was just the necklace. It was just the necklace that made me love you." I laughed bitterly. "But thank you for one thing _Shizuru_. Thank you for _finally _telling me, after all these years"

"Natsuki, please..." She begged me.

I exhaled sharply, refusing to listen to her plea. "I hate you Shizuru. I hate you." I slammed the door in her face.

She ran after me, and she kept trying to contact me after I'd left. But I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want her anywhere near me. Not after everything she'd done.

I didn't want her excuses, I didn't want her tears. I wanted answers. I wanted... needed to know, what was real and what was not. Because if I couldn't trust Shizuru, if I couldn't even trust myself, then there would be nothing left of me.


	3. Chapter 3

The vers**e** I'm including every chapter is from "Heart Like A Wheel" by the Corrs. The rest of the song isn't completely relevant but the refrain seemed to set the tone well.**  
**

**A Question of Love - Chapter 3**

_"Yes it's only love, and it's only love_

_That can break a human being _

_And tear him inside out._

_That can break a human being _

_And tear him inside out."_

It must be instinct that calls a chick back to the nest. In my case, no matter how many years I'd spent away, a part of me would always think of Fuuka as home. It was there that I wandered after leaving Shizuru behind.

I don't know why my feet brought me there. I think a part of me, the part that wasn't too busy hurting, that part was searching for answers. Mostly to the why. The who, where and how I already knew.

I must really enjoy torturing myself. Every place in Fuuka reminded me of her in one way or another. That was where we used to have lunch together. And that, that was where we'd shop for clothes. That's the kind of tea she likes best, that's one of the movies she likes to watch.

It's like I could see in my mind's eye a vision of our younger selves. So happy and in love. Except it wasn't really love, right? It was just the necklace, just the necklace.

My old apartment had another tenant of course, as did the apartment we'd lived in after I graduated from college. And the school... the school was both different and the same.

It was a weekend and the school was eerily quiet. I wandered aimlessly at first. There, that was the student council room. And that, that was the dorm I stayed in with Mai and Mikoto. There's the gym, the library, and oh, a new building. And there's... the gardens.

I strolled through the hedges, reaching out a hand to caress the green leaves and the flowers they proudly bore. It made me feel both sad and nostalgic to remember the young me. I was so young, so full of anger back then. That's... That's what Shizuru rescued me from. At least, before she ruined everything.

Here. This was where we first met. I cupped a flower in my hands. I could almost hear Shizuru speaking to me, as she did on that first day, but when I turned around it was only the wind whispering my name.

It was here. It was here that Shizuru rescued me. I'd been so angry at the world but then Shizuru saved me from myself. I'd opened up to her, I'd trusted her.

Then something, some impulse made me pick the flower and hurl it to the ground. I stepped on it, I stomped on it, I jumped on it. I ground it to pieces, until the petals were torn off, until it lay there bruised and broken. Just like me.

I fell to my knees and uttered a cry. My mind was spinning like crazy, thoughts chasing each other around and around. Why did that night have to happen? I trusted her, I trusted her, I trusted her, I trusted her, and I...

I gently picked up the remains of abused flower. I trusted her and I... I loved her.

I poked the splayed out petals tentatively. I guess I did. I guess I did love her. Back then. Before that night. I loved her with the love of a child. I loved her without knowing what it was I felt. I loved her but she...

She used me, she forced me and it hurt so because... She didn't have to. She didn't have to use the necklace to make me love her. Given time, I would have gladly bloomed for her, she didn't have to force me.

That realization was... It was just the first of many. But like many firsts, it was the most painful. You see... I already loved her. Back then. Before that night. But then Shizuru... Ah, Shizuru. Why? Why...


	4. Chapter 4

There will be about three more chapters...**  
**

**A Question of Love - Chapter 4**

_"Yes it's only love, and it's only love_

_That can break a human being _

_And tear him inside out._

_That can break a human being _

_And tear him inside out."_

I saw a "For Sale" sign on the gate. The caretaker gladly escorted me in and showed me around. That's one of the advantages of being an adult, if I'd been the same age I was back then I would have had to sneak into the teahouse in the middle of the night.

The place looked... different. It was much smaller for one thing, probably because I was bigger now. The place seemed aged and weary. Though that's probably just me, because of the way I was feeling.

I followed the caretaker to the house itself. We passed the front yard, with the delicately raked sand, and the strategically arranged stones. That was where Shizuru killed Yukino's Child, and Haruka along with it.

And there... that must be where I hid when I listened to their conversation. Then finally we reached the house itself.

"This is an old house ojou-sama, but it's still sound." The man said, knocking on one of the walls. He slid one of the screens to the side and beckoned me in. "It's dusty but it can be cleaned."

He pointed to one of the rooms and I followed him silently. "The kitchen and the bathroom are here. The rest are empty rooms. These ones over here were used as bedrooms but they can be used for whatever purpose ojou-sama has in mind."

"Can I-" I cleared my throat. "Can I see this one?"

"Of course ojou-sama." He slid the door open and I stepped fearfully into the room.

This... this was where it happened.

The entire night seemed to flash before my eyes. Shizuru pushing me down onto the bed. Shizuru climbing on top of me. Shizuru touching me, touching me everywhere. Shizuru, claiming, using, enjoying me. I pressed a hand to my forehead, fighting against the memories that threatened to overwhelm me.

Waking up. Finding Shizuru there watching over me. Talking to her, opening up to her a little bit more. Her promise that she'd protect me. Me saying I liked her back. Her crying. Me kissing her hand. Then... then what?

Which of those was me, and which of those was not me? I... I liked her, even if I didn't realize it back then. But after that... After that...

"Ojou-sama, are you feeling unwell?" The caretaker solicitously asked.

"I'm fine." I gasped. "I'm sorry, I have to-" I closed my eyes and whimpered. "I have to go, I'm sorry." I babbled, quickly leaving the poor man behind.

I stumbled out of that place and onto the street. I started crying and I couldn't stop. I clutched my stomach as a wave of nausea hit me, accompanying the blinding headache that brought me to my knees.

Because after that... What happened after... I don't think... I would have been disgusted. Even if not for the necklace, I think... I might have acted the same. Maybe. Perhaps. Would I have... welcomed her touch? Shizuru...

I'd crumpled to the ground and my vision was spinning. Suddenly I felt arms around me and I heard voices trying to catch my attention. Then I knew no more.


	5. Chapter 5

I was a bit hesitant to include Mai in this chapter because it feels too much like taking the easy way out. But if Natsuki left, I can't imagine Shizuru not doing everything in her power to make sure Natsuki was safe. That includes getting the other HiMEs to help. So I just tried to limit Mai's involvement to something that she would really do, given the situation.

**A Question of Love - Chapter 5**

_"Yes it's only love, and it's only love_

_That can break a human being _

_And tear him inside out._

_That can break a human being _

_And tear him inside out."_

I threw my cellphone away because Shizuru kept calling me. Apparently that made her panic. She even asked the other HiMEs for help.

When Mai told me about Shizuru's distress call, I was torn between anger and gratitude. Anger that she'd gotten the others involved, and gratitude for her not coming to see me herself. I wasn't ready to face her yet. Not _her_...

"This seems familiar."

"Yes, it does." Mai laughed.

Mai, I could tolerate. It was her and Mikoto who caught me and took me home when I fell unconscious.

Mai eyed the food tray on my blanket covered lap. "It's your fault I have to keep piecing you back together."

"Mhmm." I grunted noncommittally, pushing the food about on my plate. "Mai, I'm not hungry anymore." I told her.

Mai took the tray from me and put it on the table behind her. "It's okay. Mikoto can eat it when she gets home."

I leaned back against the pillows propped up behind me. "What time will she get back?"

There was a scraping sound as Mai sat back down in her chair. "In time for dinner, no doubt. Mikoto really- oh. Sorry."

I shook my head. "Go ahead. I don't mind." It hurt to see her so happy. To see the way her eyes light up when she mentions Mikoto, just like mine used to when thinking about Shizuru. But I didn't want to ruin things for her. One of us at least, should be happy.

I closed my eyes, mentally willing myself not to cry. When I opened them again, Mai was looking at me with a serious expression,

"What happened?" Mai asked quietly. "Between you and Shizuru..."

I sighed. We'd been dancing around that topic all day. "I don't want to talk about it."

"I know how it feels." Mai whispered. "Mikoto and I have had our share of fights. But-"

"You _don't _know Mai!" I burst out. "There's no way you could know what I'm feeling... what Shizuru did to me..." I trailed off, looking away from her.

"I don't have to know." Mai said it firmly. "Listen, you love Shizuru right?"

I thought back. The flower in the garden. That room in the teahouse. What I'd realized in each of those places.

"I _did_." My fingers picked at the hem of the blanket. "I don't know... if I still do."

Mai leaned forward and put a hand on my arm. I flinched, both from her touch and the compassion in her eyes.

There was an awkward silence between us. Mai looked sad, but I don't know why she also looked...

Then I laughed harshly. "It wouldn't hurt so much right? It wouldn't hurt this bad if I didn't." Mai wouldn't look so hurt if she didn't care about me. And I... I wouldn't be agonizing so much about Shizuru if I didn't... if I didn't love her still.

Mai grabbed my hand and though I tried to pull back, she held on fast. She squeezed my hand and somehow compelled me to meet her eyes. "Then that love will keep you together." Mai said confidently.

"Love isn't enough." I said bitterly. There's also honesty, something Shizuru apparently lacks. And I still love her. I'm such a fool.

"No, it's not enough." Surprisingly enough, Mai agreed with me. "But it's enough for you to build on." She added.

"Is it, really?" I asked her skeptically. Is love enough, when your partner violated you then made you forget all about it? Granted, I may have been willing to comply at that time, but she still forced me, still made me forget. When she didn't have to.

Mai nodded emphatically and I could see tears in her eyes. "It's what will keep you together."

I looked at her for a long while, my thoughts going every which way. Finally I came to a decision. I threw the blankets off me and got up.

"Natsuki, where...?"

I shook my head. "I'm sorry Mai. I have to go." This is... something I have to deal with on my own.


	6. Chapter 6

**A Question of Love - Chapter 6**

_"Yes it's only love, and it's only love_

_That can break a human being _

_And tear him inside out._

_That can break a human being _

_And tear him inside out."_

The sun had turned the sea in front of me into a pool of fire as my heels kicked the side of the cliff. The ground under me was comfortingly solid, like an anchor, an anchor for the chaos in my mind.

After leaving Mai I'd found a phone booth and told Shizuru to meet me here. I'd regretted calling her the instant I hung up.

I'd realized that I love her. I love her still. But when I'd reached this cliff and dropped the flowers for Mama I was no longer so sure of myself.

I love her, or at least I feel like I love her. If I didn't, I wouldn't be hurting so much. Right?

But what if... This isn't real. What if it _still_ isn't real? That fear hit me like a blow to the stomach. It's frustrating, when you think you know what you should do, everything just gets pulled out from under you.

At least after I learned what Mama did, I knew I was in control of myself. I knew my actions and my feelings were my own. I knew she couldn't reach me from beyond her grave and control my responses.

And besides, with Mama... it didn't matter anymore. However much _her _betrayal hurt it hadn't, couldn't change our relationship. Mama was dead, I was alive, and that was that.

Shizuru, on the other hand, is very much alive and well. Unless... No. I fearfully squashed down that thought.

Shizuru was alive and I had to deal with her. I know I still love my mother, despite what she did. But Shizuru... what if this love I feel for her isn't real?

I laughed, though without much humor.. Fortunately there were few cars passing by and no people so no one was around to hear me. I lay down on the ground, looking up at the darkening sky.

I'm so unlucky. Betrayed. First by my mother, then by my lover. It would have been funny if it wasn't happening to me.

I picked up a stone that lay near my hand and threw it upwards. I watched it climb higher then watched it fall until it landed somewhere nearby with a light thud.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I called her here but I don't even know if what I feel is for real.

Absently, I picked up another stone and hurled it against the stars that were dimly beginning to twinkle. So pitiful, just like those stones. Neither of them may even be real. This ground I feel beneath me, and this air I breathe. _They_ may not even be real.

I picked up another one and threw it with more force. Maybe I'm just dreaming. Maybe I'm connected to a machine, and all of this is a product of someone's twisted imagination. Not real.

My fingers found another and it too was tossed into the air. Not real. Not real. Not real.

"Oww!" I yelped in pain as the stone landed on my nose. I sat up and glared at the offending stone. I rubbed my nose with one hand and with the other I furiously swiped at the stone that...

That I wasn't sure was real. That still hit me, that still hurt me. That still felt solid and very much real. But whether it was real or not, I'd never know.

It was then that I realized that there are some things you have to take for granted. I guess sometimes, you just have to _believe _in something, to choose to believe in something.

And I...

Fine then. I'll believe this lump of matter is real, that it can hurt me.

And... I'll believe that what I feel, and what Shizuru...

I suddenly heard tires screeching and an engine humming. Over my shoulder I could see a car come to a halt.

I pushed myself up from the ground. I stood and self consciously brushed away imaginary specks of dirt. My heart was pounding loudly as the car door opened and Shizuru stepped out. I walked forward to meet her.


	7. Chapter 7

**A Question of Love - Chapter 7**

_"Yes it's only love, and it's only love_

_That can break a human being _

_And tear him inside out._

_That can break a human being _

_And tear him inside out."_

"Natsuki?" She looked at me, pain in her eyes. She looked terrible, like she'd been spread thin and steamrolled by a large truck.

"I'm here." I said quietly. The butterflies in my stomach were going crazy.

She caught my arm. "Natsuki, I-"

"No, Shizuru."

"Natsuki! Let me say this!" She insisted, her voice rising.

I gave her a curt nod and I fell silent.

She took a shuddering breath and stepped closer to me. "Natsuki, you have every right to be mad at me. But even if you hate me..." She took my hand and pressed something into it. "Even if you hate me," she continued in a broken whisper, "I'm still yours."

My gun, she'd put my gun in my hands. I held it up, eyeing the familiar sheen of metal. It wasn't as good as the ones I used to materialize, but it was good enough.

In one fluid motion, I assumed a fighting stance and aimed it at her. She looked back at me impassively, without flinching.

I lowered my arm slightly. "It was with you?"

"I was going to put it back. I used it on Fumi-san."

I raised an eyebrow.

She added hastily. "I didn't hurt her." She shrugged. "Just threatened."

I nodded, looking at it, at the possibilities it opened up. Remembering all the pain Shizuru caused me, seeing all the pain I could cause her.

I aimed it at her once more.

"Shizuru, why? Tell me. Why?" I hated the pleading sound of my voice.

"I loved you. And I wanted you to love me back." She said simply.

I looked at her, considering her answer carefully. The rest of the world seemed to disappear, except for us and what I held in my hands. All my senses were hyper alert, and every part of my being seemed to be attentively waiting for my choice. My heartbeat seemed to ring in my ears as my fingers caressed the trigger. It would be easy. So easy...

But... Since when did I take the easy path?

Very well then. I threw the gun away from the cliff and into the sea. The rest of the world seemed to return into my field of vision and muscles that I never knew were tensed had suddenly relaxed.

Shizuru looked at me in surprise. She later told me about how scary my face looked then, and that she really thought I would kill her.

I rocked back and forth, hugging myself. "Yes." I whispered to her.

She gave me a confused look.

"To your question. To what you asked."

"What I... asked?" The lack of comprehension was evident on her face.

"That night... day or whatever, when I left."

She gasped, clutching her chest.

"Yes." I answered her once more. My breathing grew ragged and I began to cry. "I did... I did love you back then, before that night. And... And I still do now."

"W-why? How...? Natsuki..."

I smiled weakly. "Do you remember? That party. When you first got me to dance with you?"

She nodded mutely.

"That was me. Me. Not the necklace." I tried and failed to swallow the tears down. "When we found Duran, when you proposed. That was me. When we got m-married... that was me. ME."

Shizuru started to cry herself.

"I just... I just _can't_ believe otherwise. Maybe it was the necklace. But it _feels _real and if it isn't I'll have nothing to hold on to so... I have to. I have to believe that this," I motioned to both of us, "is real."

"I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryNatsuki..." Shizuru blurted out in a rush.

"Hey." I hesitated, then stepped forward and took her in my arms. "Hush, I _do _love you Shizuru." I took a deep breath. "Maybe it _was_ the necklace _that_ night. But those other things? Those were me. Me in love with you." I stroked her hair comfortingly and pressed my cheek against her head. Her tears were soaking into my clothes but I didn't really care.

She pulled back, just enough to look me in the eye. "Natsuki, I'm so sorry."

"I know. And Shizuru... I don't know... if I can forgive you for what you did."

She looked hurt again, and I could see the walls coming back up. It hurt but... I knew it was necessary. It was the truth. Now, more then ever, it had to be only the truth between us.

I don't know if I can forgive her. It still hurts. That she betrayed my trust and abused me the way she did. But maybe Mai's right. Maybe love _is _enough to build on. So we'll pick up the pieces and rebuild. Forgiveness... that will come later.

"But damn it, I know I love you," I continued, "and whatever really happened that night, I still love you. I just _feel _it and I... I can't bear to be without you, so..." I sighed and buried my face in her neck. I missed her. I missed this.

She held me tightly.

"I love you, Natsuki." She whispered.

I could answer her with conviction now. You see, I'd realized something important. It wasn't a question of whether my feelings were real or not. It wasn't a question of whether I could forgive her or not. Those weren't it.

The question was, did I love her?

And I'd found... the answer was yes.

"I love you too Shizuru." I whispered back, holding her just as tightly as she held me. "I love you too."

END


	8. Extra Chapter

Sorry, I couldn't resist writing one more...

**A Question of Love - Extra Chapter**

In the weeks after I'd returned home, Shizuru kept acting strangely. It wasn't anything obvious, she looked and sounded the same. She still drank her tea with fanatic regularity so I knew it couldn't be anything earthshaking.

It took me several days to figure out what it was. I woke up one morning to find Shizuru already gone. I suddenly realized that she'd been avoiding me for several days already. She'd been waiting until I was asleep before she crept into our bed and she'd been getting out of bed before I woke up.

I kept alert the next few days. She wasn't exactly avoiding me. Shizuru still touched me, light casual touches just as she used to back when we were just friends. She still teased me, still gave me a kiss on the cheek as we went off to work.

But when the mood started to turn serious, she inexplicably drew back. There was nothing erotic about her touches, she hugged me as she would a sister or maybe a close friend.

It was... very frustrating. But I didn't know how to approach her. I mean, what would I say? Everything I could think of just sounded stupid. My not knowing what to do only added to my frustration.

One night, I tried to sit up and wait for her to come to bed. But I fell asleep too soon.

The bedroom was still dark when I next woke up. A quick glance at the clock told me it was still early morning. Shizuru's back was turned to me and she seemed to be asleep.

"Are you awake?" I called out.

She didn't respond.

I sighed, cursing myself for falling asleep. I called out to her once more but she didn't move. I finally gave up and settled for snuggling against her back. I buried my face into her warmth.

Then without warning, she stiffened. "Ara? Natsuki is awake?"

"Mhmm..." I murmured, closing my eyes with the intention of going back to sleep.

But then she drew away from me and sat up, an indecipherable expression on her face.

"What is it?" I asked her crossly.

She just looked at me blankly.

"Shizuru, why won't you touch me?" There. Answer that.

"What do you mean?"

"Touch me in _that _way. You know!" I said heatedly.

Shizuru exhaled sharply. "I have just recently regained my Natsuki's trust." She told me somewhat stiffly. "I wouldn't want to lose it again by forcing myself on her."

"Shizuru..."

"Good night." She cut me off. "Sweet dreams." She said then swung her legs over the side of the bed and made as if to get up.

I grabbed the back of her nightgown, clenching a fistful of soft cloth. "Don't go."

She didn't move a muscle. "_You_ did." She said quietly.

Her voice cut like a knife through my heart. I let go of her nightgown and retreated to my side of the bed.

She turned towards me and her face softened. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that."

I nodded and kept my eyes on my hands. I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't...

Damn it, I did. I started crying again. I was so tired of crying. But I guess love makes you pay a million tears for each smile. I wished then that I could remember those smiles. They seemed so far away.

"I made Natsuki cry again." Shizuru said sadly.

I furiously wiped at my eyes and looked up at her.

She reached out a hand, hesitated, then leaned forward to cup my cheek. She took a corner of her nightgown and gently wiped my tears away. Then she pressed it against my eyelids and I was forced to close my eyes as she wiped them as well.

When the pressure lifted, I opened my eyes once more. As if in slow motion, I could see her drawing her hand back. Painfully slowly, I could see my own hand moving to catch hers and draw it back to my cheek.

"I'm scared too." I whispered.

Shizuru looked at me in surprise. I usually hate admitting weakness, even to her.

"But please, don't withdraw from me. Together, remember?"

There was a long moment of silence. Then Shizuru exhaled, as if releasing a long pent-up emotion. "Okay..." Shizuru finally nodded, but her eyes still seemed to hold fear.

I was just as scared as her. I kept thinking back to _that _night, kept trying to reassure myself that the present was different, that the past wouldn't repeat itself anymore. But it was still scary. I don't know if I trusted myself, but I knew I loved _her._ Helplessly, hopelessly, I loved her.

We lay down awkwardly, not wrapped around each other as we used to be but at least we were facing each other. It was a good start.

I shifted slightly until our foreheads were pressed against each other and our breaths commingled. I could hear her breathing erratically and I knew my heart was leaping as well.

"Are you sure?"

I edged closer and put my arm around her waist. "Yes."

She moved her face nearer to mine. As we kissed, I kept thinking that it was the sweetest kiss I'd ever tasted. In fact, it felt like a first kiss. Tentative, fearful, but full of promise.

END (for sure this time...)


End file.
